and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
