those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
