i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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