When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize