I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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