Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
