is your mom at the bar?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
