4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
