I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
