The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize