DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
