The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
