So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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