I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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