If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
