hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just had sex on a roof
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
