Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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