Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
