I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
