if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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