where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
