Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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