matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
