I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
