I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
