Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
