I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
