I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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