No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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