My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
