If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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