gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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