Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
