The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
