You're completely useless in the revolution.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
