3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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