I didn't shave. On purpose
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
