i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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