someone get that fucking seahorse.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
