I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ketchup is God's man juice
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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