some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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