apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
