These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
