he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
