from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
