I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
