What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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