i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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