The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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