I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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