If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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