1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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