i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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