wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
