My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
