You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
