Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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