I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize