Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
